


Freedom's Just Another Word

by SBG



Series: New Life [8]
Category: Emergency!
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:34:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBG/pseuds/SBG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something's gone terribly wrong, and Johnny just doesn't know what happened between him and Roy. He only knows he needs it fixed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freedom's Just Another Word

**Author's Note:**

> Happy US Independence Day! Or, happy Wednesday. This one almost didn't make it due to shoddy internet connection at home and massive migraine. Johnny and Roy prevailed, as always.

Johnny Gage didn’t know what he’d done wrong, but trying to figure it out had worried at his brain day and night for weeks. He knew he was an obsessive sort, quick to fret at something but also quick to let it go. This wasn’t something he thought he could let go, not until he knew for sure what was going on, get Roy to admit something was not right. Even then, he wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t. This was too important, and if he only knew what he’d done, he’d know how to fix it. He had to fix it. He really just wanted Roy to talk to him.

He scowled at the contents of the drug box as he inventoried. In reality, he mostly spent the time thinking about what was happening between him and Roy for the billionth time. Up until a month or so ago, he’d _thought_ they were sailing along like no other relationship he’d ever been in – smooth and with no horizon in sight. He’d hoped but hadn’t expected it to go that way, given the complexities of their lives and the nature of two men, firefighters at that, together. For the first time in his life he’d been certain of a long-term commitment. It wasn’t easy and probably never would be, but he didn’t feel the temptation to shirk from Roy the way he had done with every single person he’d ever gone with before. Even now, when it was rocky for reasons he didn’t understand, he did not want to let go.

Except, Johnny thought, it seemed Roy was shirking in his place. That wasn’t right. Roy had the steadiest presence of anyone he knew, in everything that he did. Johnny frowned, his mind wandering so far off that couldn’t remember how many syringes he’d just counted. He sighed and started over. None of Roy’s behavior made sense. Johnny wouldn’t say he was the world’s brightest man, but he also wasn’t as dim as he sometimes liked to play. He should have been able to figure out what he’d done a long time ago. There had to be a way to make Roy love him again, at least touch him once in a while, smile at him. Hell, he’d take more than professional exchange of vitals over a victim in distress. He didn’t know how someone as steady and sure as Roy had gone from warm and loving to cold and distant, overnight.

“John?”

Johnny startled, ended up flat on his butt on the hard concrete floor of the bay. He put a hand to his heart and glanced at Cap, who stood at the squad by the passenger side hood. The biting, half-joking retort he had for Captain Stanley scaring the living snot out of him died on his lips. Cap looked at him, expression troubled.

“Cap?”

“Can I see you in my office a minute, pal?”

Oh shit. Johnny looked at the contents of the drug box scattered all around the floor. What a mess. He must have done it, but he sure didn’t recall it. He nodded, but started hastily putting things away.

“Give me a second to clean this up, in case we get a run.”

“Five minutes. Grab a cup of coffee on your way in, and bring one for me, huh?”

“You got it, Cap,” Johnny said with a smile that vanished as soon Cap turned away. 

If Cap wanted to talk to him, then he’d probably done something wrong. Johnny rubbed at his eyes with one hand. He again had no idea what he’d done to get himself in trouble, but he seemed like the most common denominator. He was starting to think there was something wrong with him, flat out, not that he’d done anything specific to earn Roy’s rebuffs or Cap’s lectures. He took a deep breath, then stuffed the drug box full and closed it. He’d fix it later. He put it back in its compartment, shut the squad doors and headed for the kitchen. 

Roy was there, toweling off the countertop. For the briefest of moments, their eyes met. Then Roy quickly left the room, and Johnny’s heart broke into about a thousand pieces. He didn’t want to talk to Cap right now. He didn’t want any coffee. He didn’t want to be at work at all, and that was not him. He loved his job. Shakily, he poured himself a cup of coffee and one for Cap, as instructed, and went to face the music. Whatever it was playing. 

“Here you go, Cap,” Johnny said, by way of announcing his arrival. He stepped into the office, slid one cup of coffee toward the seated captain and just set the other one on the edge of the desk. “I don’t know how fresh it is.”

Cap barely looked up. He waved his hand, dismissing the concern and then switched the gesture to indicate Johnny should shut the door and sit. 

Johnny snicked the door shut, caught a glimpse of Chet peering at him with wide eyes. Great, Chet apparently knew what this was about. Everyone probably did except him, he thought. He perched on the edge of the seat closest to the door. For some reason, a quick escape was on his mind. He jostled his left leg up and down, fought the urge to chew on his fingernails. He shifted his butt on the edge of the chair, until he almost fell off. He watched Cap finish writing on a standard report form, then set his pen on the desk and finally look at Johnny.

“I’d like you to tell me what’s going on with you and Roy,” Cap said, no beating around the bush.

A month ago, Johnny would have panicked that Cap had found out he and Roy were more than partners and friends. That was still a concern, but then again – Johnny didn’t even know what he and Roy were anymore, so maybe it wasn’t. His stomach hurt thinking about that, and how for all appearances Roy seemed to want them over. _The kids are around more during the summer, Johnny_ Roy had said at first, then, _Father’s Day is something just for me and Chris and Jenny_ was a dagger right in Johnny’s heart and one hundred variations of _now’s not a good time_ and then Roy had stopped talking to him about it at all, kept their conversations to any other topic.

At least Roy hadn’t cut Johnny out completely. He might as well have; visits to the DeSoto household became a rarity instead of the norm, primarily because he just couldn’t go there without pain stabbing at him. His heart couldn’t take it anymore.

“Nothing,” Johnny said. 

“Bullshit,” Cap said.

Stunned by the rare use of profanity from the even-tempered Cap, Johnny gaped for a moment.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean, John, is that I know it’s not nothing. I just watched you try to count five lousy syringes multiple times without getting it right, and lately the air between you and Roy has been downright arctic.” Cap arched an eyebrow, curious yet also caring. He put his elbows on the desk, hands clasped in front of him. “I know you two got even closer after his wife died. You really helped him through that. We all saw it and were grateful for it. It troubles me to see that change so suddenly and so drastically. I gotta say, it’s affecting the mood of the whole shift.”

Johnny felt the humiliating burn of tears hit his eyes before he could make it stop. He knew there was no need to deny or hide the strange distance Roy was putting between them. Anyone with basic observational skills would have picked up on it. He’d caught sympathetic looks from the rest of the guys, more than once. The sympathy only made it worse. He looked away from Cap and blinked to make the tears recede before he really embarrassed himself.

“I can’t say I’ve witnessed your performances on the job declining, so I’ve held off saying anything,” Cap said. “I hope it won’t come to that. Don’t think of me as your boss here, but as your friend. You’re barely on speaking terms with Roy, pal.” 

“I know,” Johnny whispered. “Don’t you think I know that better than anyone?”

Cap rose, walked around and then sat on the corner of his desk. He leaned toward Johnny, put a hand on his shoulder. He said, “Aw, Gage. I didn’t realize you were _this_ miserable. Can I ask what happened between you two?”

Johnny wished he had an answer to that. Even if he did have one, chances were he wouldn’t be able to tell Cap. What was he supposed to say – _see, it’s like this, Cap, Roy stopped loving me and I don’t even know why_? He shook his head, didn’t say a word. He couldn’t look at his boss and friend. His attention stayed pinned on the door. He wanted to dash out of it and keep on going. And he realized all of a sudden that some very, very small part of him had started to hate Roy for making him feel like that, though despite everything, Johnny still loved the guy. He couldn’t turn it off the way Roy had apparently done.

“No, you’re right. It’s really none of my business, except in how it’s impacting the rest of us,” Cap said. He squeezed Johnny’s shoulder. “Listen, if you ever do want to talk, you know I’m here.”

“Thanks, Cap,” Johnny said, his voice choked. “I’ll remember that.”

He launched to his feet the second Cap removed the hand from his shoulder, made his escape with no destination in mind. It occurred to him once he made it outside for a few breaths of fresh, LA-smoggy air that Cap would probably speak to or had already spoken to Roy about this mess. Johnny couldn’t help but wonder what kind of spin Roy had on it. He knew there wasn’t anything he could do about that, but he was mortified by the extent everyone knew _something_ was off. They couldn’t know what, but that didn’t matter. He had to get himself under control while on shift, or Cap was right – it would start having more negative ramifications. He couldn’t do a blasted thing about Roy, but he could stop being a ninny.

He raised his face to the sun, closed his eyes for a moment. In his head, he made a list of resolutions. At the top of it was to stop giving his heartache power over him on the job. He’d gone a long time wanting Roy without Roy wanting him back. All he had to do was pretend they’d never … but they had. No, he couldn’t think about that if he wanted to stay competent on the job. Angry with himself for having the strength of a piece of tissue, Johnny opened his eyes, pivoted, and ran smack dab into Mike Stoker. He untangled himself with a muttered curse.

“Jeez, Stoker, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you,” Johnny said.

Mike just nodded and stared at him a bit. Mike wasn’t much of a talker, but the staring was new and slightly creepy.

“Mike?”

“I just wanted to check you were okay,” Mike said carefully. “I saw you leave Cap’s office. You in trouble?”

“Nooo.” Johnny ran a hand through his hair. “Not really.”

“Okay, well, good.”

Before he could thank Mike for his concern, the klaxons sounded – long ones, three alarm. Instead of continuing the conversation, Johnny moved for the door. Mike’s hand on his elbow stopped him.

“It’ll get better, Johnny,” Mike said. “It will.”

Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, and thought Mike might be getting weirder and weirder. He nodded, for the simple fact he didn’t know how else to respond, and then both of them were running for their respective vehicles. As he climbed into the passenger seat of the squad, Johnny saw Roy pocketing a slip of paper. He thought it was the details from dispatch, except then Cap handed his partner another slip of paper and he belatedly noted the odd look on Roy’s face as that paper was then handed to him. 

“Left, Roy,” Johnny said.

“Johnny,” Roy said as he steered into traffic, so softly as to be barely heard above the siren. “I think we need to talk.”

Johnny heard it though, loud and clear. His ears burned and something aside from the pervasive unhappiness burbled in his gut. He was not going to be the simpering idiot, not at this incredibly ill-timed potential olive branch or attempt at closure.

“Now? NOW you want to talk? No. Drive, Roy,” Johnny snapped. “We can talk after we put out the damned fire.”

Which should have been a very reasonable idea, really.

eEe!

His shoulders and back ached with bruises getting ready to bloom bright and ugly. His head pounded. His throat felt funny. Johnny knew he was lucky, they both were, to be alive. Trapped was better than dead, except that trapped could easily turn to dead and there’d be nothing either of them could do about it. The ironic thing was that just before the walls came tumbling down, Cap had been screaming at them to get out, that the reports of survivors inside the building had been erroneous.

Well, there were survivors needing rescue in the building now.

Roy coughed weakly, turned his head and spat on the dusty floor. He’d had the worst of the dust coming at him, as he’d landed semi face up. Johnny’d been the one knocking him out of the way of a very large beam, and had borne the brunt of the wall as it had fallen. Miraculously, neither of them were pinned or hurt beyond deep bruises and slightly compromised lungs. Speaking of, he shoved Roy’s mask at him to get some clean oxygen into him. They used it sparingly. The pocket they were in wasn’t huge, which meant air was limited to what was trapped with them, what could trickle in through the rubble and what was in their tanks. They had to ration it. The size of their prison also probably meant the guys digging them out had a long way to go, provided anyone out there still thought they were alive. The HT was somewhere to the left, right where an enormous pile of debris lay. 

“Thanks,” Roy said, pushed the mask away after a few shallow breaths. 

“Welcome.”

They fell into silence that would have been comfortable before, but now was so filled with tension it made Johnny’s aching head hurt worse. He tried to keep his attention on listening for their rescuers, any minute sound that couldn’t be deemed the building settling. It didn’t work. He kept sneaking glances at Roy, who sat mutely, his face grimy and troubled. At one point, Johnny had considered himself very adept at reading Roy’s generally placid expressions. There were nuances he could pick up on. For the life of him, he didn’t know if Roy was troubled because of their clear and present danger, or if it was the bigger rift between them. He sighed.

“You know, if you didn’t love me anymore, there were better ways of letting me know than the silent treatment,” Johnny said, as surprised as Roy at his own words. 

Roy’s mouth fell open and looked at Johnny with wide eyes. He shook his head, dust flying out of it and making him hack and cough. Alarmed, Johnny pressed the mask back to Roy’s face, fiddled with the valve to let the air flow. He might have extremely conflicted feelings on Roy at the moment, but he wasn’t going to let him die down here. No. He held the mask, but Roy shoved at it.

“You took your love away, like I was a bad kid who needed punishing.”

Johnny sounded like a complete, whiny jerk and he knew it, but he was tired and sore and they’d almost died. Roy had wanted to talk in the damned squad, for crying out loud. Now was just as good a time as that. At least if rescue never came, he could die knowing he’d gotten the worst of it off of his chest. He refused to feel bad for putting that gobsmacked expression on Roy’s face.

“No, Johnny, it wasn’t … I love you. I still love you.”

That only made the wound deeper, his sudden anger sharper.

“Then what? What did I _do_ , Roy, because I thought we were …” The tears in his eyes were from the dust. Johnny refused to give them any other power. “I thought we were really incredible, you know?”

“We were. We can be,” Roy said, desperate and ragged.

“How? How can we be? You cut me out, Roy.” Johnny wished he could stand up and pace. As it was, he waved his hands around and pretended every movement didn’t hurt. “You just stopped and I don’t understand how you could do that.”

“Please let me explain. I know you have every right to hate me right now. I hate myself. I _panicked_.” Roy swallowed a few times, reached and grabbed for Johnny’s left hand. He held it tight. “Please, please let me tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

Roy took a deep breath and clutched Johnny’s hand. Johnny thought maybe he should pull away, but couldn’t make himself. It had been too long since Roy had looked at him or spoken to him or touched him. If that made him weak, then he was weak, because he loved Roy. Only loved ones could ever inflict this amount of pain, he thought. He winced, though, when Roy lifted his other hand and brushed at Johnny’s face with his thumb.

“Remember the Memorial Day picnic?” Roy whispered.

“How could I forget? That was when you said you wanted … you … yeah, I remember it,” Johnny said. 

“The day had been so wonderful, amazing. Then when the kids and I went to the car to load up and go home, I found a note on the windshield. Somebody saw us, Johnny.” Roy took a shaky breath, coughed once. “Whoever wrote the note warned us that we should be more careful.”

Johnny stiffened. He pulled his face away from Roy’s warm touch. The revelation had his head buzzing with pure adrenaline, to the point he felt a little woozy.

“Johnny?”

He held up his right hand, index finger pointing. A minute. He needed a minute to process that Roy had received a threat to them both a whole month ago and hadn’t said a word about it. The last few weeks replayed in his head again, only this time the perspective was a smidge different. Johnny could recall fear in Roy’s rejection, something he hadn’t seen or heard because he’d been too confused and hurt. He still was confused and hurt, but maybe that was clearing up

“What?” he asked at last. “Who?”

“I don’t know who, it just said it was from a concerned friend. I know I handled it poorly. Like I said, I just panicked. I thought … ”

Johnny could say that he’d have gone straight to Roy if he’d been the one warned, but he didn’t know that with absolute certainty and he had less to lose.

“You thought you had to put distance between us. You thought about being hurt. You thought about your kids.” 

Roy nodded, a ridiculous, hopeful expression on his face. 

Johnny nodded too. Then he frowned. He understood why Roy had started off down that path, but why had it kept on going? His stomach hurt at the idea that deep down, Roy might not actually feel the same way Johnny did about their chances of lasting, not the way he always professed. 

“Roy, why didn’t you _tell_ me? We should have faced that together. That’s what people do. Don’t you trust me?”

“I trust you. You save my life every day, whether you know it or not, as surely as you saved me from being crushed today. I don’t know why I reacted this way,” Roy said. “I didn’t mean to keep doing it, but every time I thought about even something so simple as patting you on the back at work, I thought about that note.”

That wasn’t anything like an acceptable answer. Roy had encountered adversity and had run, and Johnny didn’t know if he’d ever be able to look at him the same way again, not completely. He couldn’t _not_ love Roy. The way he saw it, so much depended on how he himself acted, going forward. He could ruin them right here and now. He could refuse to forgive Roy for bailing on them instead of fighting.

“And, uh, I got another note today,” Roy said.

Roy let go of Johnny’s hand to worm it into his turnout coat. He pulled the square of paper Johnny had seen him slip into his shirt pocket before they’d ended up buried in rubble. He handed it to Johnny with shaking fingers. Johnny didn’t know if he wanted to read it. He’d seen enough hate in his lifetime, but he also knew this wasn’t something he could hide from. He didn’t want to pull a Roy, he thought uncharitably, then took it back immediately. He was horrified for thinking it. He unfolded the note and read.

_careful, adj, def: exercising or taking care.  
cease, intransitive verb, def: to bring an activity or action to an end._

_I thought J was the one prone to misinterpreting the meaning of words. You are breaking his heart, and I never wanted that._

_– a concerned friend_

Bearing grudges had never been Johnny’s style. He wasn’t going to wipe the slate clean, that was impossible, but he could keep trying to accept that Roy had been in a tough situation. The note made a faint hint of hysteria hit him right in his funny bone. There was really only one thing to do, about all of it, because he wanted more than anything to fix what had been broken. Johnny tossed his head back and started laughing as hard as his aching body would allow. He shoved the paper at Roy so he could grab his ribs and let it all out, the whole month of wretchedness and depression and anger. 

“You … you …” Johnny gasped after a bit. “You pulled a me.”

He sensed rather than heard when the same kind of bubble burst inside Roy, the atmosphere in their tiny little prison lightening despite its suffocating nature. They chuckled for a few minutes, each of them pausing to cough now and again.

“You really are rubbing off on me,” Roy said after their laughter faded, amiable and more like himself than had been around lately. 

“Well, next time maybe you ought to pick a better trait,” Johnny said with a snort.

Roy stopped laughing altogether. His eyebrows knitted, he leaned into Johnny’s space.

“Hey.” Roy grabbed both of Johnny’s hands. “You have to know I love all of your traits, even the most aggravating ones. I need you to know I never stopped loving you, and I hope you can forgive me for ever making you doubt that.”

“I’m not going to lie to you. Whoever’s writing those notes is right – you broke my damn heart this last month.” 

Roy looked so horrified, Johnny had to glance away. He swallowed a few times and squeezed Roy’s fingers in his.

“Aw, Roy,” Johnny said. “I’ll get there, you know I will. Let’s get out of here first, okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

This time, when silence fell it was much more comfortable. Johnny pulled his hands free and shifted so that he and Roy sat shoulder to shoulder. It was warm in their dusty little pocket, and the events of the day (and the last month) caught up with him. He felt himself drifting, figured it was okay since he hadn’t taken a blow to the head. He let his head fall against Roy’s shoulder, smiled to himself when Roy automatically pressed his cheek into the top of Johnny’s head. 

He dozed, but didn’t quite go out. Roy did much the same, still softly coughing now and then. It felt good, being this close to Roy. He didn’t want to come that near to losing this again, not ever, which meant that now he knew someone knew about them, they were going to have to find a happy medium. No more lingering looks, but no more great divides, either. 

“Hey, Johnny, you still awake?” Roy said.

“Yep,” he said sleepily.

“I was hoping maybe, if you wanted, you’d come by the house on the Fourth after the picnic. The … the kids have really missed you.”

The pang in his heart couldn’t have been stronger. It hadn’t just been Roy he thought he’d lost, after all. He missed Chris and Jenny nearly every bit at much as he had missed Roy, his little secret family. 

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ve missed them too.” He was unable to keep the emotion from thickening his words, and didn’t care. “You know how much I love them.”

Roy took a shaky breath, and when he spoke sounded just as wrecked as Johnny felt. “God, I made such a royal mess of this, didn’t I?”

“We’ll fix it,” Johnny said. “We already are.”

From directly behind them, muffled voices and thumps disrupted any more of the conversation they might have had. Between them, they took turns shouting (and coughing) to get the rescue crew’s attention. It didn’t take long before the walls started to crumble in a good way. He’d never say it out loud, but when the faces of Marco Lopez and Chet Kelly peered in at them, Johnny would have called them the most beautiful men on the planet. 

Still, it surprised him when they made it out into the open that night had fallen. He and Roy had been in there for the better part of a day. What didn’t surprise him was the grin on Cap’s face when he and Roy insisted they were fine, but if they had to go in, they’d go together. In fact, he caught the same smiles on the rest of the A shift team as well, especially Stoker. Johnny blinked a few times at that, while they hustled him to the bus. He thought maybe the timing of this – Cap’s talk, Stoker assuring him things would get better right before they got better _with Roy_. It was one of those two who knew about him and Roy. His gut told him that.

“My aunt Wilhelmina and her very close friend Esther,” Stoker said softly in Johnny’s ear as he helped him climb into the back of the ambulance, as if that explained everything.

Then the doors were shut, and Johnny was left thinking a stunned, _well, I’ll be a son of a gun._

eEe!

Knowing that Stoker knew about them and had chosen to remain silent was going to take some getting used to, but Johnny felt like he and Roy had their own guardian angel in the engineer rather than any kind of malevolent threat. He trusted Mike implicitly, the same way he trusted all of his shiftmates. Now he had reason to trust him more. Honestly, without knowing who was onto their secret life, the notes had seemed rather ominous. In a way, they still were. If nothing else, it kept them on track, gave them some strange kind of freedom.

It wasn’t like everything slid back to the way it had been before Roy had panicked and pulled away from him. No, Johnny knew Mike was probably more tuned in to catching signals than the other guys, but the fact was that he and Roy hadn’t been as subtle as they thought. Finding a balance was actually pretty easy, though, because Johnny was still a bit skittish about Roy’s affection for him. They were only beginning repair work to the foundation of their relationship – inside, Johnny beamed at that – and he thought they were doing so much better already. Roy revealing the notes had taken a huge load off of his shoulders, for one thing. For another, Johnny thought maybe he was beginning to truly, deeply believe it had never been Roy’s love that had waned.

That was the toughest thing to come to terms with, if he were going to be honest. Johnny wouldn’t have considered himself fragile before. Apparently, he was when it came to Roy – and Chris and Jenny. It was as terrifying as it was exhilarating to have that much feeling.

“Uncle Johnny, look at me,” Jenny shouted as she danced around the dark yard with sparklers in each of her hands.

Today had been just about perfect. Beer and burgers and laughter at the fireman’s picnic, fireworks displays and now settling in at home and watching as the last vestiges of energy bled out of the kids. Johnny himself felt bone weary, still achy and bruised from the building collapse. It’d only been a few days, but it felt like so long ago. He smiled at Jenny, waved his arm.

“You look like a shooting star, kiddo,” Johnny said. 

“Yay!”

“You’re such a goofball, Jen,” Chris mumbled. His own hands held sparklers too, which he twirled around. It further negated his grumpy words when he looked at Johnny, grinned and winked. “A silly duck.”

“Goose. It’s goose, not duck and I’m a goooose.” Jenny giggled and stopped running, walked over to the lounge chairs and stood in front of them, panting out her exhaustion.

“You’re both kind of silly, if you ask me,” Roy said drolly. “And up way past your bedtime. It’s about time you both call it a very long day and get your jammies on.”

“Aww, Dad,” both of them said.

Both of them also dutifully handed over their sparklers to Johnny, who held them as they sparked their last sparks. Easy capitulation was a sure sign of how tired the kids were; they’d lasted beyond that crazed adrenaline burst of a fourth wind, impressive in its own right. 

“Night, Uncle Johnny,” Chris said, and gave him a quick hug.

“We’re glad you came today. It’s been lonely without you around,” Jenny said. She planted a big kiss on his cheek. “Love you. Good night!”

Johnny’s stomach clenched and he felt vaguely ill, but in a good way. He sneaked a glance over at Roy, who was carefully not looking at him and also blinking rapidly. He reached over and poked Roy in the shoulder, gave him a grin and a head bob. Roy nodded at him and stood, went inside the house to make sure Chris and Jenny got themselves tucked in. They were both old enough to handle it themselves, but sometimes the bedtime ritual wasn’t for them. It was for Roy. 

Johnny sat in the back yard littered with sparkler sticks, slid down the chair until he was staring up at the sky and wished he could see the stars. It had definitely been an excellent day. His heart ached again, but not in the same broken way it had for the last month. He didn’t ever, ever want to lose this feeling of family. Just thinking he had lost them had been too much. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine life without the DeSotos. He couldn’t. He didn’t even really want to.

“Hey, you asleep?” Roy asked quietly.

“Oh,” he said, startled upright in the chair, which wobbled and almost tipped over. Johnny looked up at Roy and smiled. “I guess I kinda was a little bit.”

Roy handed him a fresh beer and sat with his own. They drank in silence that was comfortable but also awkward. They hadn’t resumed any kind of physicality to their relationship yet; it had only been a couple of days. Much as Johnny wanted to now, the kids were home. It wasn’t going to happen, though he hoped for at least a kiss. To his surprise, Roy’s hand snaked over and took his, firm and warm. It was the kind of display that was so understated it was almost a little silly, but to Johnny it felt nice to be able to sit there quiet and contented and joined in the most basic of ways. Real nice. 

But soon his beer was done, and Johnny knew it was time to go to his empty little house. He gave Roy’s hand a squeeze before he stood and stretched his arms wide.

“I suppose I should get going,” he said.

Roy nodded, but didn’t say anything as they both picked their way through the house to the front door. Johnny felt Roy’s eyes burning a hole into the back of his skull. A ridiculous, nervous feeling set in his belly as he drew closer to the door. He turned back, intent on _asking_ , of all things, for a goodnight kiss. It was like he was fifteen again, and it was so surreal to be this way around Roy when they’d moved beyond that so long ago. They’d started off beyond that point.

“Roy, I … today was a good day,” Johnny said.

“It was,” Roy said. 

“Well, good night.” 

He hated the awkwardness, hated it, but it was there like a giant elephant in the room with them. Johnny chickened out of the kiss idea and simply grabbed the door handle. He hadn’t turned it a quarter of the way, when his whole body was turned rapidly. Before he could blink or breathe, Roy’s lips pressed to his. Roy’s arms pulled him closer and they kissed and kissed and holy mother of pearl, Johnny felt like he was finally complete again. Roy’s tongue was as sure and smooth as ever in his mouth, his hands strong but gentle against his bruised back. Johnny made a desperate, embarrassing sound at the back of his throat which had Roy pulling back.

“I …” 

Johnny licked his lips, loved that they were slightly swollen. He couldn’t remember if he had actually intended on saying anything. It felt like forever since they’d kissed, but he never forgot how good Roy was at it. Certain parts of his anatomy demonstrated appreciation, and his nerve endings felt charged. Roy leaned into his space, pressed their foreheads together. He smelled of sweat and beer and _Roy_. 

“Stay,” Roy said. “Stay with me tonight.”

Johnny’s heart pounded. This was … new. He shifted away so he could look at Roy and gauge what he meant. Was that a “sleep on the couch” invite or more? Roy’s pupils were dark and large. Oh. Okay, oh. 

“The kids,” Johnny said. 

“Are asleep. It’s okay, we’ll figure it out. I know what time they get up, we’ll just make sure you’re on the couch by then. Please, Johnny. Stay.”

Johnny nodded, and was rewarded with a huge, relieved smile and another kiss that left him a little weak in the knees. The things Roy could do with his tongue would never cease to amaze him. He had no choice but to follow when Roy took one of his hands and began walking toward the stairs, brought them to the master bedroom. When Roy locked the door, Johnny’s heart just about pounded out of his chest. 

“Come on,” Roy said, walking to the en suite bathroom. “Shower.”

Roy turned the water on, then quickly stripped out of his clothes. Johnny fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, disbelief that they were actually doing this when the kids were right down the hall slowing his movements. Well, it was that and watching Roy, cataloguing every bit that, in a sense, belonged to him. The thick patch of chest hair. The freckle on his left ass cheek. The beautiful cock. Roy caught him looking, smirked and stepped into the shower. Johnny’s disrobement went much quicker after that, and he joined Roy in the stream of hot, steamy water. 

The heat felt amazing on his sore muscles, loosened up the remaining nervous tension. Johnny tried to touch Roy, but was stopped without a word. Roy shook his head, picked up the bar of soap and began lathering Johnny, moving slowly across every inch of skin, soaping and then kissing. There was no sense of urgency from either of them, and Johnny realized he’d be fine if they did nothing but stand under the hot water and caress for a while. It was just so nice to touch, and be touched. He relished the smooth slickness of Roy’s back, the hint of curl at the hair at Roy’s nape. 

Roy had other ideas, it seemed. After a minute of standing there hugging, he started deliberately marking territory. He sucked on that spot right below Johnny’s ear that had him groan and clutch Roy’s arms. Roy then concentrated on Johnny’s nipples for a good long while, made Johnny ache with need from that alone. Roy’s hand stroked the length of his dick as his mouth worked each nipple, had Johnny’s hips moving for more. Just more.

“Remember what I said I wanted on Memorial Day?” Roy whispered. “I still want …”

The thought of finally being inside Roy had Johnny so hard it hurt. He wanted too, had wanted that for a long time but had sensed Roy’s hesitation on being on the receiving end. Oh, yeah, he wanted that very much, but at the same time, no. He shook his head. It was too soon. He’d always known he loved Roy. He wanted to, he did, but what he needed was something different.

“Why…?”

“I need you to love me, Roy,” was all Johnny said, with a shrug and a tentative smile. “I need to know it’s still real.”

The wide-open and stark pain on Roy’s face was almost too much to bear. Johnny kissed him tenderly, to show no rebuke was intended there. He just really needed what he needed, and as his tongue moved in Roy’s mouth, one of Roy’s hands inched to his ass, his fingers seeking entrance. Roy’s other hand shut off the water. They broke the kiss and groping long enough to towel most of the water off, then headed for the bed. Johnny felt alight with nerves.

“Anything,” Roy said quietly. “I love you.”

“I know you do.”

Johnny rifled through the nightstand, pressed the lube and condoms into his hand. He knew it was selfish, but he was so, so grateful Roy understood. There’d be time enough and then some for Roy to give himself to Johnny the way Johnny had and would continue to do for Roy. He lay on the bed, watched silently as Roy crawled on with him, chewed his lip for a moment and then settled between his legs. He leaned in for a brief kiss, then slid down Johnny’s body and took his cock in his mouth in one swallow. He swirled his tongue expertly as his fingers again sought Johnny’s entrance. 

Johnny wouldn’t last long. The double assault on its own would have been difficult to handle for any amount of time, but it had been a month since he’d been touched this way. He arched his back as Roy hit his prostate and sucked hard simultaneously, coming down Roy’s throat with a cry he barely managed to choke off. His body shook with release for what seemed like forever, and then Roy’s lips were on his own. He opened his mouth automatically and marveled as always at the taste of himself on Roy’s tongue.

Relaxed almost boneless, Johnny allowed Roy to spread and position his legs. Nodded at the gentle ministrations and soft question in Roy’s eyes, moaned in pleasure as Roy breached him and started rocking gently. If Johnny had come fast, it seemed Roy’s intentions were to go slow, make sure Johnny knew exactly how he felt. Roy draped himself over Johnny, buried his face in his neck as he loved him, slow and sweet and sure. As Roy panted and murmured unintelligibly into Johnny’s neck, he knew this was just what he’d needed. His heart soared free again.


End file.
